Do you have a black halo?What's your feeling's on this poem?

BLACK HALO'S





Silver angels of gray winter


haunting my tears to make me better


trying to tear down my black skies


learning to hate as I won't believe your lies


so, the light you attempt to blind me with instead


as I hide in the mist of winter's breath


your mouth I wash with death's silence


upon your lips I lay my toxic deliverance


now lips burnt of acid rain


you kissed your hate and swallowed your pain


as you felt the poison pulsing through your viens


now no longer silver, you've faded to gray


as well as your skin, now peeled and frayed


a kiss of toxic lust on your lips


kissing your now winter cold corpse























I feel this is the most poetic I've been in any of my poems.

Do you have a black halo?What's your feeling's on this poem?
Well, you start out very strong...line 4 starts to lose me...lines 5, 6, 7....well, it goes downhill from there. Why? You had such a promising start...where did you go wrong?





For starters, "learning to hate as I won't believe your lies" turns the poem upside down and we're suddenly asked to hate "angels"...what we suddenly discover is that we don't like someone who hates angels! And that! is not what you wanted. You may have reasons to hate angels, but you started hating them before you told us why? because of their lies? what lies? what did they tell you that was a lie? You have some really, really good poetic lines, so yes, this is probably the most poetic you've been in any of your poems...the poem is pregnant with good lines and images...but they don't meld!





"as I hide in the mist of cold winter's breath"


Great line!


"your mouth I wash with death's silence"


not as great...would have been better if you'd said, "Your mouth awash with death's silence" or "your mouth full of death's silence" or "I wash your mouth with death's silence".


"upon your lips...toxic..." nope...can't think of angels and "toxic" in the same poem, let alone the same phrase. "Toxic" carries a modern image connotation, not consistant with "grey or silver angels". The word may be precise, but it sounds off-key...same goes for "acid-rain".


"you kissed your hate and swallowed your pain"


good line


"as you felt the poison pulsing through your veins"


not as good...actually, a little weak. Poison doesn't "pulse", it flows, leaks, cuts...but doesn't pulse.


Next two lines, good. Last two lines, not so good.


Why? there's that "toxic" word again...this time mixed with "lust"...where did that come from? Did you just come up with negative images and throw them together?


"kissing your now winter cold corpse"...again, where did that come from? We've been picturing statues of angels, but suddenly we're told that they are now "corpses" that are "now winter cold"? It doesn't fit.





I'd love to do an edit and take this poem in a particular direction, but I have my own poems on grey angels and I think "you" should try to edit this one based on my comments, your gut and your ear. This really does have some fantastic images, but I think you really should change the tone and direction after line 4...show us...why you feel the way you do...or leave it ambiguous..but less acidic....and NOT toxic :)





good first draft!





keep writing

snake plant