Poem #5 (edit) which I have written, what is your opinion?

Smile





I love the way you smile


I wish I could wrap you in my arms


Like the enfolding of a soft summer breeze


And feel your heart beat


So very close to mine.





And to whisper in your ear


Until you laugh,


Oh, just to make you laugh!


And to laugh with you, we laugh together…


Feel my lips upon your skin


Like the warm rain falling from the heavens.





And the light of your eyes


Is brighter than the stars themselves.


And full of so much more joyful radiance


The stars themselves must feel ashamed


Especially when you smile,


And look,


Only at me.

Poem #5 (edit) which I have written, what is your opinion?
this is turning out to be a nice poem; however, if anyone changes it in anyway it will no longer by YOUR poem, will it?





put your mind and thoughts to work and you will see where tweaking is necessary ... the second third and fourth lines need work;





also lips upon skin doesn't quite go with warm rain falling from heavens; however the touch of lips on skin might evoke that feeling





and the light in the eyes might better "rival the brightness of the stars" ...





perhaps a joyful raidance that diminishes the stars presence in the skies





but you are doing good, just keep at it.
Reply:sorry i cant read............. or can i?
Reply:it is good
Reply:I like it a lot! My opinion is.....that I think a better title would be ..."Only at Me"





I can't comment on any others since you don't have email...